I remember the first time he spoke down to me. I was shocked but it was familiar. I had grown up in a home where words changed from honey to knives within a minute and back again to honey. It was confusing for a young child. As a result, I developed deep insecurities and fears of safety and abandonment. So when he spoke down to me in my first year of college, I stayed.
I didn’t stay because it felt good. I stayed because it felt familiar. And somehow I felt I deserved it. I mean how could I have not deserved it right? I mean it was happening to me AGAIN, so it must be me said my mind. It became my full-time job to convince him to love me right. It became my obsession to get him to treat me good. It became my every waking thought and move, to help me to love so then I could be free. It may sound like straight insanity from the outside. But for me in this silent hell, I was trapped. I didn’t have bars around me physically, but I had bars around me emotionally and mentally and spiritually. I was trapped in this dysfunctional loop of abuse.
He called me names.
He pulled my hair.
He spit on me.
And I stayed. I say this to be clear and to be vulgar. It was shocking and it was that shock that had me in a state of panic and that state of panic had me stay not run. It wasn’t my best moment but it’s a part of my story. A part of my journey in this path we call life.
After many encounters with his rage.. I finally had a moment where I said. “If I stay I will die.” If he doesn’t actually kill me, my soul will be dead. I already felt all my colors leave me. I felt lost. I felt scared. I felt empty. I knew I had a choice to make. Either stay and choose misery that was never ending or leave and choose to face my real pain.
So I chose to learn and grow and take this obstacle and perceive it instead as an opportunity to heal the original wound from my childhood. I chose to see it as a moment of rising in my courage and choosing to love myself. I chose to witness his pain and know that due to his painful childhood he was projecting his pain onto me but it wasn’t because I was unworthy. I chose to see that his pain and abuse was not a reflection of my worth but instead it was a reflection of his pain.
I chose to be a dedicated student of life. And step by step I was led to the therapist, to the healer, to the teachings that I then (fast forward a few years) would teach to others. And had it not been for that dark pain and those difficult and toxic relationships, I wouldn’t have been able to help others the way I do, not and at the level I do. The theme this month is “Always learning”. And asking ourselves, what does it mean to be a student of life? And for me that means choosing to take everything that happens in our life as an opportunity for growth. To grow to be more loving and kind to ourselves and others. To grow to be aware of our needs and respect them. To grow and know that we are worthy. I decided to choose to continue to grow and not give up no matter what. To stay a student of life is to be the wisest of all teachers. The best teachers stay students. Stay curious. Stay learning. What is it that you are learning through? Are you being a student of life, choosing to grow through what hurts you? Share in the comments below!
Also, if you are struggling with anything and are looking for a loving and compassionate perspective to help you re-frame things and offer you more clarity. I am offering limited time FREE 15-minute free phone or Skype coaching consultation calls. This is coaching not therapy and an opportunity to give quick laser tips and to find out more about my work.
It is based on a first come first serve, and you can email me at: ChristineGTV@gmail.com with “oneOeight coaching call” in the subject. I or someone on my team will then respond to let you know if you’re selected for the free 15-minute coaching call. If you aren’t I have tons of other resources on my website for you, so no one will be left out!