I Became My Own Beloved

Love is sacred and holy and often times can also be scary and baffling.

I grew up in a home where both love and abuse was present. The “I love you’s” were there non stop as were the cursing and high and unrealistic expectations.

I struggled throughout my life to understand what it meant to have “healthy love.” In many ways, it was like someone describing a color to someone that had never seen colors in their life.

I had no frame of reference for healthy love. As a result, I recreated the toxic love I had witnessed growing up. Most of my relationships were this sad cycle of codependency and toxicity. I knew that I was powerless over toxic love when I kept going back into the arms of the man that cheated and lied and was abusive. It wasn’t until I had enough, that I sought help. I hit my knees and got real about how I was living.

I didn’t know if I would ever feel worthy to have healthy love at the time, but I knew I needed out of that messed up love.

It was the best decision I ever made. One day at a time, I got support and slowly started coming back home to myself. I began the journey to becoming my own beloved.

Some things I learned on this journey of cultivating healthy love, were:

  1. I deserve the time to reparent myself the way I always wanted to be parented. I took the time to cultivate a more loving inner mother and inner father to my inner child.
  2. I get to redesign my life by becoming my own beloved, and creating the love I never saw – within myself. I began a journey of loving myself and becoming my own beloved. In this process, I understood what it meant to feel love. You can’t have love with someone else fully until you can love yourself as well.
  3. Look for powerful references for love. I began looking at love stories on TV and healthy love in my personal life with my aunts and uncles and some mentors of mine. This gave me hope and a point of reference that love – healthy love exists.

Go on a journey inward and love yourself deep, become your own beloved and accept only the healthiest of loves at the altar that is you. And if you don’t know how to do that – no shame at all. I didn’t either. Reach out for support and I will help guide you or lead you to someone to help.

In the comments below, right how you resonate with this and questions you have to support you!

Xx

Christine

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