Autumn Mind

So many quotes come to mind as I stand here at this writing desk. It’s the second day of me trying out a standing desk. I’ve been so used to sitting upright to write these words that I am confronted by what comfort means.

This September I’ve decided to go back to school. It’s a five-year program part-time program in Vancouver, which allows me to practice the skills that I’ll be learning. The course is structured to allow me to travel, be tight with my family and still show up for community. The two years after completing the course will be dedicated to a thesis asking me to defend my learning.

Knowing myself this well excites me. The practice of educating myself and dedicated opportunities to learn more about things that I am curious about feels good for my emotional self, body, soul and mind. I feel it is an important time in my life to dig deeper, to cultivate a well that allows me to nourish others in a way more profound than the acorn holes I’ve been fucking with.

Much of my life I have been a Martyr. The energy is disturbing and the author Elizabeth Gilbert describes martydom like this: dark, solemn, macho, hierarchical. It is the personification of sacrifice, believing that life is pain and the world can never be solved. Sounds like a real motherfucker of a son of a bitch.

And sadly I have behaved this way. It’s more for another post, and I digress here just a little bit to acknowledge that it’s never possible to lose ones way. Events happen to illuminate the path. Never forget that Spirit is ushering this all forward with the fiercest grace.

This summer, my friend Marta gave me permission to view my Martyr through the lens of Provider. This fascinating shift permitted me to recognize that I am able to gift others some of the peace I have earned in my life.

This comes at a cost, of burning pleasure for the blessings of joy. I’ve come to think of joy as “ a deep sense of fulfillment that not only never leaves us but actually increases with the passage of time.” Thank you Eknath Eswaran for that eloquent permission to be just over here doing me.

Joy comes from living for others and fun from living for ourselves.

I intend these offerings to come through me naturally. I’m shaping my days to support these high offerings: I’ll be in bed by ten most nights. I’ll eat a diet that limits simple sugars. Exercise will flush my tissues with fresh blood so that my brain is rich in oxygen.

I am crafting discipline into my days as a farmer would till the soil, preparing the eARTh for her seeds. In part, that is why I find myself standing here writing, cultivating a new perspective.

So what are you shaping from the perspective of Joy?

Just here, in the shadow of the Autumnal Equinox on the Harvest moon, when the moon rises quick to gift longer light in the night, acknowledge all that you have created this year by making some choices your future self would be grateful for. Look for what you want more of in your life, ask what has held you back and name one pattern to be dropped in order to be of greater service to yourself and others.

It’s helped me to have this little frame: build some tolerance for solitude; figure out what scares the shit out of me; give myself a week without mirrors.

May you sense a deeper ability in the current between seasons.
May you nurture it’s growth with intent.
Blessings from the space between.

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